Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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