do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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