just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize