I can text with my tongue
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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