end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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