when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
