i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
