you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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