chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i need some magic done to my vagina
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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