No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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