Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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