I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
