If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
