I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
