a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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