Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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