Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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