i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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