When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
