Apparently you make a good broom.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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