This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Randomize
