You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
