I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
They have beer where we have blood.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
