i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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