It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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