made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
