im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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