i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
