i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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