i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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