I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
