im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
