Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
