Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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