The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just high enough for therapy.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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