Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
