I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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