2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
