That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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