just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
