she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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