Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
