ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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