I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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