It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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