The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
