this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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