Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
