someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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