I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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