3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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