apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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