I accidentally had phone sex last night
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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