Porn is love you can see.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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