i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
