Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
