just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
