just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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