if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
