My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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