It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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